Hate Everyone...Starting With Me. Meanwhile it's been revealed that
her funeral will take place onSunday September 7that the Temple
Emanu-El in New York. See some more memorable quotes from the book
after the cut...
On what she wants for her own funeral
"When I die, I want my funeral to be a huge showbiz affair with
lights, cameras, action...I want Craft services, I want paparazzi and
I want publicists making a scene! I want it to be Hollywood all the
way. I don't want some rabbi rambling on;
I want Meryl Streep crying, in five different accents.I don't want a
eulogy; I want Bobby Vinton to pick up my head and sing "Mr. Lonely."
I want to look gorgeous, better dead than I do alive. I want to be
buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe
tag.
And I want a wind machine so that even in the casket my hair is
blowing just like Beyoncé's."
On obituaries"I love the obituaries. To me, obituaries are just
wedding announcements without the pictures. I read the obituaries
carefully, the way Lindsay Lohan reads her Miranda rights."
On people who die of natural causes"I hate people who die of natural
causes; they just don't understand the moment. It's the grand finale,
act three, the eleven o'clock number — make it count. If you're going
to die, die interesting! Is there anything worse than a boring death?
I think not. When my time comes I'm going to go out in highs type. I
have no intention of being sick or lingering or dragging on and on and
boring everyone I know. I have no intention of coughing and wheezing
for months on end. One morning you'll wake up and read a headline:
Joan Rivers Found Dead...On George Clooney's Face. Clooney Was So
Bereft All He Could Say Was, 'Xjfhfyrnem.'"
On funerals"I love funerals! To me a funeral is just a red carpet show
for dead people. It's a chance for mourners from all walks of life to
accessorize basic black, and to make a fashion statement that is bold
enough to draw attention away from the bereaved but subtle enough so
that no one knows that it's happening. And, it's a great way to have
quiet fun."
On people who offer condolences"I hate people who try to make you feel
better. Like the neighbor who says, 'Don't forget, the first part of
'funeral' is 'fun!' Or the minister who says, 'He's in a better place
now.' I'm tempted to yell out, 'No he's not. He had a house in the
Hamptons. What's wrong with you?""
On the pick-up scene at funerals"As I get older, I'm going to a lot
more funerals, and let me tell you something, it's a great pick-up
scene. A graveside funeral is live eHarmony for the bereaved."
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